Am I behind the times? Should I still give them gifts, even if I’m not invited to the wedding?
Two months ago I received a "save the date" card for a wedding the end of Sept. I later received a shower invitation for July, and purchased gifts for both the shower and the wedding from their gift registry. Recently I learned by chance that the wedding has been changed to a family-only wedding in the Caribbean for the first of Sept, with a "reception" the end of Sept., with the bride wearing her wedding gown. I feel like I have been "dis-invited" to the wedding, and the "reception" is only to collect gifts.
The couple have been living together for a few years, and have virtually everything they need, including most of the items on their gift registries (which people have already purchased). The mother of the bride is wondering if there is a polite way to let people know that they really could use money to help buy their first house, instead of more gifts.
Is this the new etiquette?
I’m so old that I remember when people gave the couple gifts to set-up a new household, not to finance luxury items and new homes. Am I behind the times?
The "save the date" card also said "Invitation to follow". I took this to mean that I was invited to the wedding. There was no later contact saying that the wedding had been changed.
Contrary to what some of the other answers say, if you google a bit you’ll see that this IS becoming a new trend and is (at least by according to some peoples’ etiquette) acceptable… sadly. For instance "The Knot", a major wedding website, has a page on this very question at http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx and their "expert" writes:
"Then when you get home, send out invitations to a party "celebrating your marriage" where you can show slides or photos of your ceremony. It will be as if they had all been there with you after all."
… to which I reply, "NO IT’S NOT!". What people don’t understand is that many of us guests want to witness the ceremony – the walk down the aisle, the vows, the first kiss as a married couple – and it’s not the same if we don’t. People can have the intimate wedding or the big wedding, but they can’t have both, it’s a contradiction.
I would politely decline to attend.
p.s. I’m guessing there was no change of plan, this was the plan all along.
August 27th, 2011 at 12:33 am
Forget what is considered the ‘norm’ on this. A person who doesn’t have it in their heart to give someone a gift should just refrain from doing it. I would hate to think I got a gift from someone who was begrudging it to me. Sorry.
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August 27th, 2011 at 12:50 am
just give them a cheque for 100. -x-
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August 27th, 2011 at 12:58 am
if you want to give them a gift just give them a gift if you want to write them a cheque write them a cheque if you feel neither is required as you were not invited to the ceremony then dont bother you are not obliged to give a gift but it is always nice to give people presents
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August 27th, 2011 at 1:05 am
Wedding gifts are OPTIONAL whether you have been invited or not, have attended or not…up to you.
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August 27th, 2011 at 1:52 am
Nah, this isn’t the new etiquette. There have always been greedy people, and they just have different ways of expressing it. You "feel" like you’ve been disinvited for the simple reason that you have been! And this woman will look like a clown in her wedding dress a month later. Ugh.
I’d return the gifts and not support this kind of behavior. They insulted you about 3 times in all this, and I personally have better things to do with my money than hand it over to people who insult me.
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August 27th, 2011 at 2:07 am
It’s not the new etiquette. It’s the old greed, which has been given new rein by people who see their friends as lines of credit, rather than human beings. The rule that it is rude to invite people to the shower but not the wedding has not changed. Nor has the rule that a wedding can only be performed once.
I would be highly insulted if I were in your shoes, and I would return all gifts and decline any invitations you are sent. Being me, I might instead send her a copy of "Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding." Not that she’ll read it.
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August 27th, 2011 at 2:45 am
No, this isn’t "new etiquette" it’s "the same old greed." The bride just wants gifts.
Now please understand this: Gifts are not required – ever. That’s because you are an honored guest. Demanding some kind of tribute or loot just because someone got married, especially from honored guests, is nothing more than shake-down tactics used by thugs and extortionists. The same is true for that greedy notion of "paying for your meal." That too is an invention of some stingy people who expect their honored guests to pay for an expensive party in someone’s honor.
Nope. Gifts aren’t required. Period.
In this girl’s case, I would return any gifts you have purchased and do nothing but send her a pretty card with your sincere best wishes. That is the only "required" gift you need to give any wedding couple anyway.
Personally I would decline the invitation to the gift-grab – er – reception. Honestly, cleaning your bathroom is a better use of your time than spending it with a greedy bride.
And if the bride’s mother speaks with you about it, please be kind and tell her you are sorry but you have other plans for that afternoon and you will have to miss her daughter’s reception. No other explanation is needed. If she pries, politely repeat your previous statement. IF she persists, she is being rude. So, politely, but cooly tell her your plans are private and you really don’t wish to discuss them further.
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August 27th, 2011 at 3:14 am
Contrary to what some of the other answers say, if you google a bit you’ll see that this IS becoming a new trend and is (at least by according to some peoples’ etiquette) acceptable… sadly. For instance "The Knot", a major wedding website, has a page on this very question at http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/destination-weddings/qa/home-reception-after-destination-wedding.aspx and their "expert" writes:
"Then when you get home, send out invitations to a party "celebrating your marriage" where you can show slides or photos of your ceremony. It will be as if they had all been there with you after all."
… to which I reply, "NO IT’S NOT!". What people don’t understand is that many of us guests want to witness the ceremony – the walk down the aisle, the vows, the first kiss as a married couple – and it’s not the same if we don’t. People can have the intimate wedding or the big wedding, but they can’t have both, it’s a contradiction.
I would politely decline to attend.
p.s. I’m guessing there was no change of plan, this was the plan all along.
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August 27th, 2011 at 3:56 am
I would have not bought a gift if not invited. Anyhow for online wedding gifts I always prefer http://www.potterymarket.co.uk.
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http://www.potterymarket.co.uk